September 09th, 2019
by The Egg Party
My neighbours house was a new type modern. The construction was just something else. It was all crooked wood, inconsistent paint, fence posts cobbled together in this spendid tower, one that appeared fit enough to house a goblin. I gave up drinking for a month and needed to do something with my hands and the teetotal result was me building a minature version of this Goblin House. Well, I partial built it. I haven't installed the water systems, the toilet has no seat, the music system is functional but jankey, the fireplace has no chimney, the bed has no mattress, the throne lack opulence, the carpet needs runners, the electrical experiment has failed. As it stands, I think the Goblins would be proud. I imagine them encouraging me, telling me to 'work hard, but never too hard'. This is a view of my bedroom window.
My frame of the hous was salvaged from my bed, a borken down collection of twisted wood, an IKEA masterwork that I needed to retired. Then I looked for more garbage. Those Goblin' Goblins needed a home. Usually when someone needs a home, the sooner, the better. It's survival. So collected garbage hot garbage, damp feathers of mauled chickens, old-dairy smeared paddle-pop sticks, abandoned and tagged sharehouse shared housed, private cased construction waste, haemorrhagic dumpster piles. I pulled my arm, down to elbow in drain pipe full of hot coins, sweating in alley air, thick with automated fireflies, pulling out a lump that turned into this.
So I became obsessed with this house. I first thought of the goblins. Like a vampiric universe, where you pare scoietal mythology down to 99%human, 1%fantasy, but it's goblins. There there because they are. I remember the idea that there are two options for survival of human. Be cute or be invisible. So they're invisible somehow. They're short. That helps. They would be partially receded into nature. The thing which would draw them to human society would be greed.
What does a Goblin crave? First and foremost gold. Then power of some sort. These would be calculated by safety and reward.
Through the centuries they advance. Not at the pace of humanity, but by the shapes of their borders. On the fringes, they observe and consider.
A Goblin rises as leader. Their name is Doone Nothing, their tribe, the Goblin' Goblin's Goblins. Standing before his tribe of four, he spoke, "Humans have done good work in the ways of celebrating greed. We emulate."
So they are bulding this house through my imagination working from my bedroom window view. That is the perspective they know. They have gained higher ground and have been like, "know what? Scribble that down on the corner of a runny egg. We'll mock something up."
He begins building what he imagines they are building. What size they want. Which ammenities are most important. A bed or a toilet? What functions match the multi-function bingo. His bed is broken. He cannot sleep. Each night a slat falls through and it is a nightmare. Is that a pun? Half of the times he falls through the bed are a pun, half are literally. Sometimes he literally falls through the bed. It is the classic IKEA. The name eludes him. Wood, light colour, triple whipped cream with a mix of some asshole shaking a tea spoon smeared with dijon.
So he deconstructed the bed into parts, pieces.
He scratches runes into the frame mimicking a ritual that he does not know. The reason he does not know is because the whole process is his and he is lazy and has not created an airtight mythology and now has no bed and is a mattress of the floor and god you've been there, you don't need that. But onwards, Sleeprite, and he will add some walls for by God those Goblins will not be shiverin'.
One thing to say, this knowledge comes from the future, when much work is done and the tenancy agreement is all but signed. There are no more... oh, wait, I have lost myself. This keyboard is new and it is all a bit much. Okay, so he was telling me, telling you, that there was walls to be built. Since the bed was free, the budget was comfrotably at zero. Save the fixings. Always the fixings. This resources was recovered. A steal!
This was on the side of the road for months. No one touched the thing. Unbelievable. Second find was a pair of cinderblocks. Weighter this curved beauty down and then made the internal and extrernal walls. Soem insulation because, you know, Goblins, they're not fucking animals. Okay. So, the cinderblocks, Cindy and pause. Fuck, pause,