INTERVIEW
by The Egg Party TEP: Thanks for coming Oisín, I believe it is a first for you, at the C&S headquarters. OISÍN: You’re welcome Mr. Party. Long time reader, great to be here. TEP First question, why did you decide to interview yourself? OISÍN: Well it’s my last month in Berlin. I felt self-congratulatory art might be the right choice. I kid! I wanna finish a book. Then I have this fantasy where I'm famous and scared of everything. I have this dream, right, where I get interviewed by T. Wall. I gotta prepare for that shit. I wanna embrace writing. I’m a shithead writer. I’m a pretty good writer. I can be good and bad. TEP: Just look at last months dumpster fire submission. OISÍN: Yes, it was atrocious. Gotta embrace that shit! I am certainly embracing the idea that this submission is not better. TEP: Oisín, that’s an interesting name… OISÍN: Yes, I was named after my ex-girlfriend’s newly born child. TEP: Oh, nice! OISÍN: Yes, it was a big event for both of us. TEP: Why is T. Wall your interviewer of choice? OISÍN: Well, he’s the best. His style is so… me. Or something overly, uncomfortably relatable. He has the style of an uncertain, older rocker. He's playing this killer rock show and then after his last indestructible track, he realises that his fly is open and his dick is out and the audience is comprised of everyone who touched the same fruit as him at a supermarket. And the empty areas of the crowd are filled with clones of the available fruit touchers. Kennit? TEP: Yes, I have an image. It helps that we are both naked. OISÍN: Coordinated that well. You have an adequate penis. TEP: I give you the equal compliment. We have the same penis. OISÍN: Agreed. Okay, now imagine this: Every single penis in the world is identical. Again, a world just like ours ONLY every dude has the same penis. Shape and length and shit. I smell world peace. TEP: Utopian Dystopia. More clone fiction would pop up, I’d say. OISÍN: Okay I have one idea from this world. I need your help Mr Party. There is one character called COSMIC DRAGON, the other is KIT. I’ll play the role of COSMIC DRAGON, Mr. Party you do KIT. Okay, go, action. COSMIC DRAGON: Look at him! KIT: What’s that? COSMIC DRAGON: Did you see the size of his eyeballs? KIT: Oh, I know! COSMIC DRAGON: But do you really know what I mean? KIT: Yes. But tell me exactly what you mean anyway. COSMIC DRAGON: Big eyes means big balls! Because balls are more interesting now. I like big balls, is what I'm saying, because every penis is the same. Balls fill the hole where penises would fill, if penises were different. But they are the same, so I am interested in that man's eyeballs because I believe in superstitions about physical characteristics that indicate genital size. Specifically Balls. KIT: Yes, I too like big balls. OISÍN: …aaaaand scene. (Oisín is breathing deeply) I am outta breathe. TEP: Yes, I believe so. How are you feeling? OISÍN: This week is strange, I guess. I keep thinking I have autism. I want to take a moment to ask both my parents about it when I get the chance. I've had a feeling it might be a possibility for some time. I may confuse some consequences of autism with other mental health issues. It could be that, it could be none of it. I ain’t looking at it in a bad way, in that I'm looking at it. Doing my part to work out the mind riddle. We all have to do our part! So that’s something. My mind started wandering to this point when I was a little stoned last month. TEP: Ah yes, that thing. OISÍN: Yeah, I mean, I choose a good drug to take every now and then. TEP: Do you think that it's a good forum, to talk about this on your website? OISÍN: S’not like I’m huffing jenkem or something. (a door opens in the background followed by a series of loud noises.) TEP: Ah, my intern has a message… no, no, slow down. Hand the paper here… here, in my hand. Look if you just swing your arms when you walk you might get a better system for moving around the universe. No idea why I hired you in the first place... Interns saving time and money, my ass. You're no better than Weebly. Okay, let’s have a look at this… it says here you’re stoned right now. OISÍN: Correct… hey Intern… don’t I know you? INTERN: Probably. OISÍN: You’re Oscar, right? Oscar Kane! We used to apply for jobs together, back when I was ashamed of my name. Or when I thought it would be more difficult to find a job. I imagined some exhausted clerk looking at the name Oisín and thinking, oz, oiiis, ouisi, before throwing my economic stability down the toilet that was installed in his office because he was too busy to take the single flight of stairs to the private toilet/bidet. OSCAR: Yes, that was me. My life is shame. OISÍN: Damn right! Hey Mr. Party, I like this guy, he is miserable! TEP: Would you like to join us? OSCAR: I was never alive long enough to develop any sense of self… anything I did has been lost. I have zero things to say. I respectfully decline. I guess I'm just going to wander off back here and knock into things. OISÍN: Nice, ghost version me! (Oisín holds up the pinky and thumb of his left hand a waggles it about.) Anyway, that’s enough of this shit. Comments are closed.
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