This is the best photo I have ever taken. I am not a photographer. It is not my specialty. But that is a limitation I am putting on myself. Maybe I can do it poorly, using whatever style I want.
All I ask is if you are one of those people who knows what my phone is like, what it is, know that all photos were taken by that green Monster.
This is a strong multimedia piece. I have done it a bit in the past. Today I will am going to go a bit nuts and do it lots. It will help add further context to the photo above. I think there is more to it than you think. Maybe not.
This photo is strange.
The flash of the phone reflected off the screen creates the forehead symbol, to show that Corben Dallas is indeed an element. He is the sun. He is integral for the use of the weapon. It takes two for the trigger to be pressed. The camera reveals his value. But it is not the camera of the movie. That camera works at showing Lelu.
The camera flash becomes his third eye.
Isn't that just crazy? Or not. Whatever. Anyway I was trying to quit/cut down on smoking and so I sat at my desk and thought about how to go about it. Allen Carr has failed so far. Who did I even lend that book to?
I really like my current desk. It is covered in a selection of all the bullshit I like. I eventually started writing about my day and so the result, this story 'Bonus', is mostly about today.
- The Egg Party
Title: Bonus Story.
Or: Fifth Element fan-fiction.
Or: My Review of the Film, The Fifth Element.
by The Egg Party
I started a series of activities in an attempt to occupy my mind. In the past it has worked. I tended to be quite productive, even if I was stressed or a little manic. The same thing happened last week, where I spent a long time painting the light fixtures of my room.
I ask you, reader, to be the judge of just how proactive I've been, to try and work how stressed I am.
Hint: My stress levels are greater than 1.
I was thinking about having a changeable light for a while.
Something to alter the space in my room. So I kept painting. I got more glass fixtures off C, cheers man, and in the end he was pleased that I removed more useless objects from his house. I painted them all different colours. I was thinking on the idea of emotional wallpaper for about three weeks. I was listening to a lot of sad songs. I figured I would go full bore, paint the shit out of all my senses, cover my walls in emotional sounds and colours.
I was messing about with it as I thought.
The light bulb fixture was yellow at the time, around the time I started watching The 5th Element. In the middle of the film I exchanged the fixture for a red one. Red charged me, filling me with that fast-food bloodlust. I decided to get to work. I changed my outfit.
A week or so before that day I had bought this new jacket. I put it on. It was straight from the future, the future imagined in the 90's, where technology has finally let humanity comfortably wear the colour yellow.
Shit this section is stuck on bold again.
I don't know if it was a good idea.
I think I will call the cigarette Peanut, after that funny old car. When Peanut charges on Coach, Peanut suckles on one of res ports, like some doomed factory piglet.
I used acrylic paint. It might be bad for you. I dunno if the paint dries and you get some fucked up concoction as the cigarette heats the paint. But it hasn't got hot so far. I think it is pretty low powered.
I am in no way recommending this activity.
I guess if it becomes too dangerous I can always go back to smoking.
I put it on the heater to cook, well done.
Look at that busted wall. It's great, all fucked up and tucked away behind the grill. I love these old buildings here in Berlin. This is such a cyberpunk city, existing in such cyberpunk times.
For instance: the overcoats, the weird neon, vendors scoffing at the idea of using plastic cards to buy goods - we only accept wearable wealth here sir, everything smells like urine, we take our sunlight through beds or infused in sunflower oil, yesterday when I carried an upright space heater through the cold streets only to find out it was fucking useless but was good to hang my drying towel from. As I was hanging that filthy rag, my housemate in the background tells me how about he is paying his way through university with the proceeds of his cryptocurrency.
As the cigarette cooks, be sure to watch the paint, it needs to be seared all the way through. Medium to Well done. Based on my craftsmanship, it's probably not going to be well done so I will stick with medium. It is my favourite word so that is convenient. Medium. What a word.
I took a break here, feeling sad.
I felt pretty blue. Then I listened to a song and started again.
Sorry I cannot put a more specific temperature for you DIY freaks out there. My main advice is to keep it low. The temperature may still make the battery explode or some shit. But who knows.
So I have set The Device to 1°T(Temperatures). That's something.
Yeah, so, yeah, set it to 1.
I obviously wrote all the symbols on the heater myself with a marker. So I guess(man, I guess a lot in my personal writing) you will have you trust me, in that it is on an accurately low heating setting.
That is, if accuracy means that I stared at the thing for a long time, thinking about what to do. The marks are roughly four centimeters apart. So 1°T(Temperatures) equals roughly 4cm/lefts. A little more accuracy there for that DIY feel I mentioned. If anyone in my target readership is handy, that is, you are welcome.
Anyway. This step is to just apply a base to the cigarette. Imagine that the cigarette is like a suckling pig, rotating on a spit, slowly being covered by layers of honey. But not rotating. Or appetising. I am talking about pigs a lot in this piece. I guess that is the location bleeding into my writing again. Like my Bangkok writing or my Melbourne writing.
And so I painted it schwein orange.
I really do like this movie. It is perfect.
Finally I painted it red and put a few tiny, unnecessary white dots on the shaft! to add authenticity. As if someone might happen to confuse it with a real cigarette. Hah. I mean the cigarette is longer than my dick. Hmm dick humour. No I don't think it is my forte. I'll stick with farts and poop.
And so I painted it ruby rose.
Look at that paint palette.
Man, I really am leaning into the caricature I have created for myself.
Next I painted with man's best friend. You got that right reader, I painted with that friend, synthesized down and squeezed into a bottle. Y'all know what I am talking about. The only thing that will ensure calm sailing, no chips ahead, eating fish and anti-chips the whole journey.
I then stuck it back on the grill.
After another short wait, I had a properly baked cigarette. It still has the tape on in this next photo. But here is how it came out. It sort of works. It is still taking time for me to get used to it.
But sometimes, just sometimes, I have a moment where I feel like Audrey Hepburn, naked, smoking a long-stemmed cigarette in a bath, all glamorous.
And then it ran out of battery.
So I had to charge it.
I haven't eaten in a while and I have a dead fish defrosting in my fridge.
I think my hunger is coming out through my writing. Man, crazy. I am living with a guy who eats a lot of fish and so I guess I am too. I am going to eat this meal and then sleep well. Oh, a thought, I have a flatmate for a few weeks and he is French. Maybe that is why I was thinking about Luc Besson. Or it could be because I am arriving back in Australia on the 5th. Or it could be because I just love the Fifth Element. Did I mention that it is my favourite film?
A final Anyway for 2017.
Anyway, I sorta hate Christmas but here goes folks,
Merry Christmas, dear reader and robot alike.
And Happy New Year. I hope you have as much fun failing your resolutions as I plan to. Oh shitttt, man, 2018 is going to be a beech.
I finished the film and it was amazing as always. One of, if not the most hopeful films I know. Yes the future will be awful. Yes it will be dirty and violent. But at least there will still be love.
What I am saying is that I am an alchemist and I know what the fifth element is, it is pure sex.